he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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