This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
