I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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