I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
