if i can run in heels then i can drive
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
