the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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