now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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