I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Let's get the cat blown out
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
