Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Someone signed my nipple.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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