I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
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For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
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Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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