They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Randomize
