Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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