college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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