I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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