wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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