I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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