i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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