You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
