Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
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Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
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I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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