I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
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Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
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THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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