How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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