I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?