I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
