I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
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thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS