new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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