Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
