i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
