Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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