my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
