one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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