I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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