If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
