What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
