Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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