just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
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90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.