im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!