I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
