I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
