rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
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he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
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This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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