I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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