i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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