I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
