Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
