i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
