Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize