I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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