I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
