some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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