Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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