my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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