you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
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It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
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They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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