When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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