Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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