definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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