My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
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i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
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Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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